I was riding the bus to the Red & Black Cafe when I suddenly felt a swell of anger rising in my chest as I realized that it is only, just now, that I am learning about the real history of the United States. And alternative models to the politics and economic system that we've been practicing in this country. I felt angry at what is considered "alternative" in this society, and the misplacement of values, and the way our children are undereducated - the fact that in parts of this country the question of whether or not to teach evolution is even STILL A QUESTION - it just pisses me off.

I am not sending my hypothetical future children to public school, and maybe not even to private school unless it is some type of free school operated by people who truly have a clearer, more truthful vision of what this world is and can be. I don't want my children to be raised up on a foundation of lies, and then have to spend the first 10 years of their adulthoods trying to undo the massive racist, sexist, homophobic, nationalistic, capitalist trauma that has been done to them. While I can't insulate them from it entirely, I can at least give my kids something precious: Time.

I feel robbed of so many years of my life. Even though my parents offered alternative ways of looking at things (e.g. religion, diet, black history), there are so many things they didn't know, so much history they could not pass on to me because they, too, were products of this culture.

The word radical is really starting to make sense to me.

I need to be very conscious and willful about the choices I make now. The type of future I want to live is taking shape in my mind. I have a purpose. I don't know exactly what it is, but I know in which direction to seek it.

I love my friends; they have opened my eyes to so much.
May I just say ... I cannot abide by sneaks!

I've lost track of the number of times I've identified someone trying to "pull one over" on me and have simply not said anything. I am not a confrontational person, and I know that people read me as being a "pushover." The truth is that what people often sneak around to get from me is not something that I have a particular attachment to and so I allow them to believe that I've been "fooled" or tricked or "had." What's the point in struggling with them? If that is how they feel they must behave, that is their own problem, and maybe one day they'll come to their senses.

I used to find it curious that people behaved like this, but increasingly ... it is starting to concern me that people can be so petty. It is harmful to community.

It doesn't so much cause injury to me because I try not to get involved in political machinations, be it at work, in volunteer organizations, relationships or anywhere else. But it is extremely disappointing. My humanistic heart gets a little broken every time. Once in a while I actually am fooled because I am a very unsuspecting person. Fortunately, I have some brains and am naturally cautious. Also, so far I have managed to never be viewed as threatening enough to be a target for someone on their quest for world domination. ::scoff::

I am not worried about it. I just remember what Nietzsche said: "I do not want to accuse. I do not even want to accuse those who accuse. Turning away shall be my only negation."

At Opus, E- and I came to a realization about how we operate. She will always take into account a person's history when considering their current request or their current actions/speech. This explains why sometimes she gets really angry at someone who seems to have a valid concern - because she's taking into account how they have tried to undermine or been hurtful in the past. Whereas I will seem to be so tolerant of a person who has a history of being destructive or foolish, and I will judge each of their behaviors and speeches on its own merit. Even if someone who yelled at me this morning approached me in the afternoon and asked for something that they needed, I would be able to help them as if nothing had happened.

We came to this realization: that she has a more wholistic view of people, while I compartmentalize people - but we did not attempt to determine who had the "better" approach. I think we both understand we can learn from each other.



December 2013



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