I don't feel quite right. Since I returned from Iowa, I've only been exercising once or twice a week and I think that's not good for me. I feel to be in little pieces. Difficult to focus most of the time with random occasional moments of hyper-clarity. I think I really do have ADD. Exercise helps me to shed some of those mental "carbohydrates." That's what I call the huge amount of mental energy that is bouncing off the walls of my mind but doing me no real good at all. My KVAR is out of wack. I need to improve my Power Factor. LOL. A bit of electric company humor, right there. Do you know how foam froths up on beer when you pour it? I feel like the beer is my lucid, useful thoughts, and the foam is all the frantic, lab-rat thoughts.. Right now it's like there's way more foam in the glass than beer, and I'm trying to drink that glass of beer. Just foam ... foam. I have made - literally - 16 packing and to-do lists in the last 24 hours. :(

I've managed fairly well to not convey this to others, but inside of myself there is a cycle of rapidly changing emotions ranging from anxiousness, to exhiliration, to melancholy. At 10 a.m. this morning I wanted to be alone and stay home. At 10:15 I wanted to quit my job so I could run off and find an internship. At 10:25 I couldn't sit still anymore so got up and walked around the call center a few times. At 10:40 I felt completely blah except for a strange discomfort in my tummy. By 10:50 I had forgotten about my tummy and was worried about being murdered in Guatemala. At 11 I was angry about racism and sexism and violence. And so on. Fortunately, when I made my customer calls I was largely distracted and able to just think about them.

Maybe I'm just tired. So much going on. I'm always thinking about too many things at once. I was doing so well for a while. Things were happening in an orderly fashion. I was addressing one issue at a time, not feeling panicky or stressed. The different ADD sites I checked out a few weeks ago suggested that adults with ADD really need to have a routine. This helps them cope with change and new issues that arise. My routine has been kind of screwed up the last 10 days or so. I haven't given myself enough down time. Maybe this is why I'm starting to feel like my head's sinking below the waterline.

I will be fine. When I get on the plane tomorrow, there will be nothing I can do about anything happening here. There will be no emails from a dozen people asking me questions. No customers. No whispering at work. No negotiating friends with different sensibilities. No tasks waiting to be done. I will just be there.
Been feeling a bit scattered this week. Bits of myself all over the place. That is actually the norm, but the sensation is emphasized because at Opus I was hyperfocused. Now the lens has drawn back, and there is (perhaps too) much in my line of sight.

I realized today, as I was doing my Morning Pages (see book, the Artist's Way), that one of the reasons I love traveling is because when on the road I have fewer options. I have less stuff. There is less unmanageable stimuli. Traveling is a clarifying experience. All the unnecessary things take their appropriate place at the bottom of the stack. I don't have to struggle so much to stay on the siratul mustaqim*.

So I am looking forward to Guatemala. I am looking forward to being outside of my comfort zone, to being where I'm at, and accepting that - because my Spanish is far from fluent - I can only understand some things. I won't be able to do everything or know everything. I won't be able to express every thought that pops into my head. I will have to be very keen on what's going on around me, and my consciousness will be pulled further and further out of my own self.

My mantra for the day comes from the famous prayer usually attributed to San Francisco de Assisi (emphasis is my own).

Lord, grant that I may seek rather to comfort than to be comforted;
to understand, than to be understood;
to love, than to be loved.
For it is by self-forgetting that one finds.
It is by forgiving that one is forgiven.
It is by dying that one awakens to eternal life

*the sirat ul mustaqim is an islamic expression that refers to the "righteous path" or the way of God. It also refers to the bridge in the afterlife that people will cross to get to heaven. For those who disbelieved, the bridge will shrink to the width of a thread, and those people will fall into the pits of hell. But for those who believed and did good deeds, the bridge will be wide, and they will fly over in the blink of an eye. I have used the expression here to refer to the path that is most right for me, the path that leads me to my sense of god, the path that crosses over all those things I find wasteful and destructive.



December 2013



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