I don't feel quite right. Since I returned from Iowa, I've only been exercising once or twice a week and I think that's not good for me. I feel to be in little pieces. Difficult to focus most of the time with random occasional moments of hyper-clarity. I think I really do have ADD. Exercise helps me to shed some of those mental "carbohydrates." That's what I call the huge amount of mental energy that is bouncing off the walls of my mind but doing me no real good at all. My KVAR is out of wack. I need to improve my Power Factor. LOL. A bit of electric company humor, right there. Do you know how foam froths up on beer when you pour it? I feel like the beer is my lucid, useful thoughts, and the foam is all the frantic, lab-rat thoughts.. Right now it's like there's way more foam in the glass than beer, and I'm trying to drink that glass of beer. Just foam ... foam. I have made - literally - 16 packing and to-do lists in the last 24 hours. :(

I've managed fairly well to not convey this to others, but inside of myself there is a cycle of rapidly changing emotions ranging from anxiousness, to exhiliration, to melancholy. At 10 a.m. this morning I wanted to be alone and stay home. At 10:15 I wanted to quit my job so I could run off and find an internship. At 10:25 I couldn't sit still anymore so got up and walked around the call center a few times. At 10:40 I felt completely blah except for a strange discomfort in my tummy. By 10:50 I had forgotten about my tummy and was worried about being murdered in Guatemala. At 11 I was angry about racism and sexism and violence. And so on. Fortunately, when I made my customer calls I was largely distracted and able to just think about them.

Maybe I'm just tired. So much going on. I'm always thinking about too many things at once. I was doing so well for a while. Things were happening in an orderly fashion. I was addressing one issue at a time, not feeling panicky or stressed. The different ADD sites I checked out a few weeks ago suggested that adults with ADD really need to have a routine. This helps them cope with change and new issues that arise. My routine has been kind of screwed up the last 10 days or so. I haven't given myself enough down time. Maybe this is why I'm starting to feel like my head's sinking below the waterline.

I will be fine. When I get on the plane tomorrow, there will be nothing I can do about anything happening here. There will be no emails from a dozen people asking me questions. No customers. No whispering at work. No negotiating friends with different sensibilities. No tasks waiting to be done. I will just be there.



December 2013



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